Vladof. Crush capitalism for only $99.95.
Пока бегала по Санкчери, заинтересовалась местной радио-рекламой производителей вооружения. Постояла, послушала, потом интересу ради нарыла (почти) все соответствующие цитаты. Понравился контраст рекламных стилей. Торг не ударяет в грязь лицом и жжет, красава.
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Dahl

Dahl has been outfitting the defenders of freedom for over a century, and isn't about to stop anytime soon. We've built our company on the foundation that dead customers can't be repeat customers - keeping you alive is in our best interest! We also know that those of you doing the government's secret dirty work have enough to contend with and don't need to fight your weapon, too. That's why we at Dahl have strived to manufacture the smoothest and most stable guns on the market. And when you get surrounded - and you will - you'll be glad to know your Dahl has been precision machined to remain as accurate during sustained fire as humanly possible. So make sure you bring a Dahl with you the next time you go on assignment. It just might bring you back.

If killing is your business, you buy Dahl. Period. Our recoil-free weapons give you the reliability you need while on the job. When the deaths of others puts food on your table, you don't need fancy features. You need stability. You need a weapon you can trust. You need Dahl.

In the heat of battle, there are only two things you can count on: your gut, and your Dahl equipment. When the mercs of Tantalus held off an entire Atlas Armada, they chose Dahl. When the Last single-handedly defeated the swarms of the Devoted, a Dahl assault rifle smoked in her hands. Through thousands of conflicts across just as many planets, the career soldier knows there’s only one weapon they can truly count on: Dahl. Because sixty-eight billion enemy corpses can’t be wrong.

Stanton Dahl always said there were three types of people in this universe: people who need to be killed, the people doing the killing, and the people who pay them. He founded the Dahl corporation for the second group. When you fight not for country, not for honor, but to put food on your table, there’s only one weapons manufacturer with your interests in mind: the Dahl corporation.

Dahl makes guns for professional mercs. They're heavy, accurate, and effective, assuming you're strong enough to hold one!

Dahl's guns absorb a lot of recoil, allowing you to stay accurate throughout the fight!

Hyperion

There are many weapons in this world, but only the best have what it takes to bear the Hyperion insignia. Every gun that leaves our facility has been tested by multiple independent inspectors and is guaranteed to meet our impossibly high standards. All Hyperion guns are meticulously calibrated by our technicians and certified to levels of accuracy never before seen in the industry. Whether you're a professional marksman or simply someone who appreciates a finely-crafted piece of machinery, you can't go wrong with a Hyperion. Financing is available to those who qualify.

- Mom, can I go out and hunt some skags with this rifle I found?
- Absolutely not, young man! You’ll blow your head off! Now get back inside and do your chores.
- Aw, shucks. At this rate, I’ll never get to kill anything. Holy RAKKSPIT, it’s Handsome Jack!
- Damned right it is. I just came back from rescuing the Space Vixens of Eden-6, and thought I’d check in with my number one fan. Hey, Justin, why the long face?
- My mom says I can’t go hunting.
- Well, Justin, your mom sounds like a bitch. If she had any brains at all, she’d know that the rifle you hold in your very hands is made by Hyperion, which means it’s perfectly safe for children of all ages!
- Your words are music to my ears!
- Hyperion makes the most accurate, high-quality weapons in the six galaxies. If you wanna grow up to be big and strong like your old pal Handsome Jack, you better start practicing your marksmanship now!
- Great idea, Mister Jack, sir! I sure will!

Haaaaaaandsome Jack here. When I opened the Vault and destroyed the Destoyer inside -- ironic, I know -- I had a Hyperion weapon in my hand. When I cleaned up the frontier and burned the bandit settlement of New Haven to the ground, it was a Hyperion pistol I held in my fist. And every day, as I watch over this planet, as its protector, as its champion, as its hero, it’s Hyperion firearms I put my trust in. Hell, that’s why I bought the company in the first place. This is Handsome Jack, signing off.

Hyperion asks, 'What good is a gun that doesn't shoot where you point?' Get a gun that's as accurate as you are!

Hyperion: If it ain't accurate, don't bother!

Enemies only die when you hit them... So get your Hyperion today.

Jakobs

The Jakobs family has been assembling quality firearms for over 300 years, and although the world has changed quite a lot since Montgomery's grandfather bolted on the sandalwood grip of the company's first revolver, our family tradition and commitment to building a superior product is still as true as ever. The employees at Jakobs may not all share the same last name anymore, but we're still family. And we want you to join us. When you invest in a Jakobs, you're not only getting the most powerful firearm money can buy; you're also joining the biggest family of satisfied gun owners the world over. Whether you're shouldering one of our renowned rifles or staring down the barrel of one of our timeless pistols, you can be sure each and every shot packs the reliability and strength that only a Jakobs can offer.

We at the Jakobs corporation have held to certain values through the years. Simple things, like family. Honor. Always aiming for the head. A Jakobs man ignores the mockin' words of the ignorant. 'Yer gun's too slow,' they say. 'Yer accuracy ain't nothin' to write home about.' And the Jakobs man nods. Walks away. Decapitates 'em with a single shot. Jakobs. A family company.

Montgomery Jakobs here. When I was a young boy, my grandfather gave me a piece of advice I’ll never forget. “Grandson,” he said, “there’s only one thing in this world more satisfyin’ than the love of a fine woman, or the taste of a hand-rolled cee-gar. And that’s splittin’ a man’s head in two with a single bullet.” Down through the generations, the Jakobs company has held true to those words. My family believes all the accuracy in the world don’t mean a great deal if you don’t got the power to back it up. Hence our family creed: if it took more’n one shot...you weren’t usin’ a Jakobs.

This is Montgomery Jakobs here to tell you that before my grandfather was unjustly villified for his views on Truxican immigration, he considered himself the luckiest man in the six systems. For he wasn’t just a weapons manufacturer -- he was the head of a family. Every courageous lawman who ever put a bandit in the dirt with the help of a Jakobs rifle, every humble homesteader who reaches for their Jakobs revolver when they hear rustling in the night -- they’re all a part of the Jakobs family. Won’t you join us, too?

Nothing matches a Jakobs for sheer power. Remember, if it took more than one shot, you weren't using a Jakobs!

Jakobs guns do one thing really well... power. And honestly, what else do you need?

When it just needs to be dead, it needs to be a Jakobs.

Jakobs. We know if you've got wood in your hand, you're happy.

A hundred rounds in the magazine? With a Jakobs, you'll only need one.

At Jakobs we believe that high damage equals high satisfaction.

We at Jakobs still believe what our Fathers taught us. Shoot for the head.

Maliwan

Isn't it time you take your weapons to the next level? Sure, old-fashioned slug throwers have served you well in the past, but so did Bologna sandwiches. You've grown. Your tastes have changed. They've refined. It's time you had a gun that evolved with you and didn't feel like a family heirloom. Maliwan believes in honoring the past by embracing the future. Every Maliwan weapon is designed by the skilled technicians in our bleeding-edge laboratories to pack as much elemental punch as possible. Our staff of artisans crafts each weapon to look as good as it performs. Maliwan offers a full line of pistols, shotguns, rifles, and rocket launchers to fit every style. If it's not elemental, it's not a Maliwan.

The Voice of the Maliwan corporation speaks. The hordes stand assembled, frothing at the mouth. Thirsty for blood. They know not of the terror they shall feel, the beautiful destruction that will befall them. For in the hands of their ostensible victim, polished to a sheen and wielding the power of every element under the sun, lies a Maliwan rifle. The Deus Ex Arma. The god in the weapon.

Combat is an art. Maliwan weapons are the paint. Our elemental tech transforms the battlefield from a cacophony of idiocy, into a masterpiece of destruction; the unwashed hordes will burn, and fry, and melt, into a portrait of exquisite death. Maliwan. Beauty through destruction.

Maliwan is pleased to offer technologically advanced weapons for the more...discerning warrior. Every Maliwan gun places the power of the elements in your hands -- the elegance of their form matched only by the deadliness of their tech. Maliwan. Where form meets function.

Is shooting bullets just not cool enough for you? Buy a Maliwan and light some people on fire!

Maliwan guns shoot more lightning than the next leading competitor!

Tediore

Tediore was founded on the principle that no family should be without the protection that an affordable, lightweight firearm provides. Whether you're planning on taking little Billy out to the fields for his first pheasant hunt or you need to chase some trouble off your front porch, Tediore will be there for you. Over the years, Tediore has built a reputation among the working class men and women of this land for providing fast-reloading weapons that anyone, on any budget, can afford. So the next time you're headed down to the Save-N-Save, why not put a little piece (sic) of mind in the cart and grab yourself a Tediore? Tediore's pistols, shotguns, sub-machine guns and rifles can be found at major retailers nationwide.

Hiiii! The Tediore corporation would like to tell you that for the cost of one Hyperion pistol, you could own three Tediore submachine guns -- that's nearly three times as many! Who needs fancy elemental tech or high damage when you can reload faster than you can blink? Order now, and you'll receive the Tediore Family Pack - three shotguns, four assault rifles, and a teeny-tiny rocket launcher for the kids. Makes a great gift!

Mrs. Tediore here. I’m not going to tell you that spending exorbitant amounts of money on weapons with silly features like “elemental tech” or “increased damage” will break the bank, leaving you so poor you’re incapable of buying food, shelter, or medicine when you need it most, to the point where your desire for excessive personal protection ironically results in your own death. I’d never say that! I’m simply here to suggest that Tediore’s weapons are so cheap, that you could easily buy an entire arsenal and still have enough money left over to, say, buy a car! Buy a house! Not starve to death! Tediore -- because breaking your enemies shouldn’t break the bank.

- Well hello, Mrs. Tediore!
- Hello, John! How are you?
- Worried.
- Oh? Why’s that?
- I desperately want to protect my family from the marauding hordes of psychos and perverts, but I don’t have a lot of money to spend on home defense!
- Oh, John, you needn’t worry! The Tediore corporation manufacturers high-quality weapons that anyone can afford!
- But Mrs Tediore, I lost both of my thumbs in a horrific foreplay incident and am physically incapable of reloading guns!
- No problem, John! Tediore’s insta-digistruct reloading system gives our weapons faster reload times than any other manufacturer. Thumbs not required!
- How about that! If I were able to, I’d give that a thumbs up! Hahahahahahaahah!
- Hahahahahahahaha!

Cheap, reliable, lightweight, and incredibly fast reload speeds; Tediore makes an easy-to-use gun.

If you're on a budget, Tediore is always the way to go.

Money is tight. Times are bad. You need a gun. Go the Tediore way.

Torgue

The next time you go shopping for a new gun, ask yourself one question: Are you a man? If you answer in the affirmative, then you're ready for a Torgue. You see, we at Torgue make guns for real men. Tough guys. Badasses. The kind of guys your dad was and you hope to be! Torgue doesn't screw around making lightweight toys and we sure as hell aren't concerned with selling you a stylish accessory like those hip-huggers over at Maliwan. No. We make them tough, and we make them heavy. It's up to you to make 'em dead. Do it with a Torgue.

The following message from Mister Torgue does not reflect the opinions of the Torgue corporation itself.
IF YOU DON’T BUY TORGUE GUNS YOU’RE FUCKING RETARDED!
The previous message from Mister Torgue did not reflect the opinions of Torgue corporation itself.

Torgue Munition has a POP QUIZ for you, skaglicker! You're surrounded by a dozen steely-eyed bandits. Do you (A), blow them to smithereens with your Torgue assault rifle, (B) run and take cover, or (C), calmly get them to put their weapons down and YOU KNOW THE ANSWER IS "A"! BUY A GODDAMN TORGUE GUN!

DID YOU KNOW THAT NINETY-SEVEN PERCENT OF ALL LIVING THINGS ON PANDORA AREN’T EXPLODING RIGHT NOW? THAT’S BULLSHIT, BUY TORGUE!

Is something NOT exploding? Torgue guns will fix that!

If you don't love explosions, you're a BITCH! TORGUE!

Torgue weapons include everything good in the world. Death! Explosions! Quality workmanship! Explosions! A commitment to customer service and the undying FOR FUCK'S SAKE EXPLOSIOOOOONS!

Torgue combines good damage, high fire rate and recoil reduction into one lethal weapon!

400 percent more awesome! Also, Torgue doesn't make their guns out of freakin' wood!

Vladof

We see the pain in your eyes. We sense your anger, your feelings of betrayal, and your disgust. And we at Vladof are with you. The time is coming, comrades! The time to stand up and be heard is nearly upon us and you must be prepared. You must be armed! Vladof firearms were designed for this moment in time. Seize it! When you shoulder a Vladof, you will know at once that you are not alone and that you can be heard. You will be heard! All Vladof weapons are constructed in the factories of your brethren and designed to pack the highest firing rate possible. The oppressors will be fast - we know this - Vladof helps you to be even quicker. Rise with Vladof. Together we will forge a better tomorrow!
— Vladof sales pitch, Official Borderlands Guide

This is Comrade Vladof, the voice of the revolution. Now is the time to strike! Use our high-fire-rate weapons to topple the oppressors and take back your rightful freedoms! Listen well, brothers and sisters: if your finger ever leaves the trigger, their boots shall never leave your neck.

In these trying times, the Vladof corporation is certain of one thing, and one thing only: they are coming. Coming to take your food. Your home. Your loved ones. Perhaps not today, perhaps not tomorrow, but soon. And as they sharpen their swords and smile through their teeth at their subjects, Vladof has only one question to ask: will you be ready to fight back?

The Vladof corporation reminds you that there are only two types of people in the universe: the oppressors, and the oppressed. The oppressors cannot be swayed with words, cannot be bargained with. There is only one way to stop your corporate dictators: bloody, bloody revolution. You must drown your oppressors in a storm of bullets! You will bury them under an avalanche of lead! And as you topple their towers of money and lies, they shall look down into the mobs of the disenfranchised and see one brand of weapon in every hand: Vladof! Vladof! Vladof!

Vladof. You don't need to be a better shot, you just need to shoot more bullets!

Want to shoot a lot of bullets really fast? Vladof has your needs covered!